Inhale, Edhale
by M.W. Roach
Summary: The Eds find a quick, easy way to make money: They're gonna sell weed. Of course, everything backfires when they find out their product isn't quite what they thought it was...


_**"Inhale, Ed-hale"**_

By: M.W. Roach

* * *

Eddy's high-pitched, annoying voice rang throughout the cul-de-sac.

"ATTENTION KIDS OF THE CUL-DE-SAC! Going to a fancy party or restaurant? Nothing to wear? Then come to Ed's Tux Rent-Outs! Look snazzy for only 25 cents!"

Ed pranced down the driveway wearing an old dirty wife-beater, a black jacket, and a ribbon from one of Sarah's dolls made into a tie.

"We also do dresses!" Eddy shouted.

Reluctantly, Double D came down Eddy's driveway wearing a wedding dress. Eddy waited eagerly. The 'pigeons' should be coming any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute.

_**"WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING!"**_

Double D rolled his eyes.

"Eddy, the probability of this absurd scam working is slim to…"

"SHUT-UP!" 

Eddy stomped up to his room. Ed and Double D followed. Eddy began to pace wildly while the others stood and watched their outraged friend.

"Nothing we do works! What do these kids want that we don't dish out?"

Ed turned his attention to the TV. A rapper began puffing away on a joint. Ed laughed.

"Fo shizzle my nizzle, Eddy!"

Eddy turned to scold Ed for interrupting his ranting when the cool rapper caught his attention. An insidious look crept over Eddy's face.

"That's it! It's perfect! I can't believe we never thought of it before!"

Eddy dashed out of his room.

"Eddy, wait!" Double D panted, trying to keep up.

"Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay!" Ed babbled before leaving the room.

Eddy stopped in front of a wall in his hallway. He tore back the wall-paper and burst through the hidden door. Double D peeked in cautiously.

"Your brother's room? Eddy, what are you doing in here?"

"Solving all our problems, boys!"

Eddy dove into his brother's closet. After some loud bangs and knocks, he emerged with a large potato sack.

"Follow me." Again, Eddy bolted from the room. Double D sighed and turned to follow when Ed finally arrived.

"What's crackin'?"

"My sanity."

With that, Double D left the room. Ed ran after him, laughing stupidly.

Eddy pulled up a seat at the kitchen table. Double D and Ed took seats across from him.

"Fellas, we are gonna be RICH!"

Double D rolled his eyes.

"Uh-huh."

Eddy glared at Edd.

"Hey, I don't need your attitude, Sockhead!"

"Let's just get on with this."

Eddy grunted and reached into the sack. He pulled out a handful of green, leafy stuff and dropped it on the table. Double D gasped.

"Marijuana?"

"You betcha! We're gonna sell weed!"

Double D examined the stuff carefully, crumbling it with his fingers.

"Hmm...aside from it being an illegal substance which you intend on selling to minors, it's not such a bad idea. With recent medical study proving incontrovertibly that the THC can be beneficial to numerous health issues, you might just have something here." Double D squinted his eyes to observe the product more carefully. He ascended a brow. "Are you quite certain this is marijuana?"

Eddy slapped his hand.

"HEY, Hey, hey! Hands off the profits!"

Double D snatched his hand back and rubbed the sting away.

"Do you really think the kids here smoke pot, Eddy?"

"No. But everyone here listens to rap!" Eddy cheered, pulling out a Ziploc bag full of zig-zags from the sack. He tossed it to Double D. "Start rollin'. Me and Ed are gonna go watch MTV."

"I thought you didn't want me to touch the profits?" Double D stated sarcastically.

"No. I just don't want you to _smoke_ the profits."

"Perish the thought!" Double said with his arms crossed. "I haven't any health issues that would warrant my need for the usage."

"That can be debated..." Eddy grumbled as he left the room.

* * *

An hour later, Double D emerged from the kitchen. He proudly held up a perfectly rolled joint. Eddy glanced behind Double D. The sack was still full.

"After all this time, you only rolled one?"

Double D looked at Eddy in surprise.

"Only? Eddy, this is perfect artwork!"

Eddy grabbed the joint and looked at it.

"Gee, that's real pretty, Double D." He threw the joint on the ground. "**BUT WE NEED MORE THEN THAT!**"

Eddy shoved his way into the kitchen.

"Let _me_ do it."

* * *

The Eds walked around the neighborhood. The were dressed in baggy pants, over-sized jerseys, caps and bling. Ed dragged a red wagon with a box in it behind him. They approached Kevin, who was playing basketball by himself.

"Yo, yo, yo! What's up, my brotha?" Eddy said, gesticulating some made-up gang signs.

Kevin glanced over his shoulder.

"What do you want, pimp-daddy dork?"

Eddy pulled a terribly rolled joint out from the box.

"You lookin' to score some chronic, dawg?"

Kevin looked at the joint in surprise.

"Whoa! Weed! Where'd you get that?"

"I'll ask the questions around here, pot-na. You wanna buy it or not?"

Kevin yanked a quarter from his pocket.

"Yeah!"

Eddy looked at the quarter and laughed.

"Oh, it's gonna cost more then that..."

* * *

Eddy walked away, pleased with his sale, fondling 2 quarters.

"50 cents, Eddy? PLEASE! Why don't you just put it in your mouth and smoke it for him, too?" Double D raved.

Eddy snapped back. **"WHY DON'T YOU STOP COMPLAINING AND START DOING SOMETHING USEFUL?"**

"WHY DON'T _YOU_ GO TO HELL!"

Double D suddenly put his hands over his mouth. Eddy stepped back in shock.

"Double D, did you just cuss?"

"I…I'm…sorry…it-it must be the nature of our current endeavor...either that, or the awful smell of those joints is giving me a contact-high..."

"Sorry? That was awesome! Will you never cease to amaze me, Sockhead?"

Eddy walked away, pleased. Double D lingered behind for a moment, messaging his temples and attempting to clear his head, then ran to catch up.

A sudden yell pierced the sanctity of the cul-de-sac.

_**"ED!"**_

Ed shuddered at the voice.

"Oh, no! _SARAH!_"

Ed flailed around frantically before diving under the wagon.

"It wasn't me, Sarah! Honest! I was just chillin' with my homies!"

Sarah stomped over to her frightened brother. Eddy stepped between them.

"Beat it, twerp! Ed's busy!"

Sarah grabbed Eddy by his three hairs and flung him over her shoulder. He landed on Double D. Sarah grabbed Ed by his shirt.

"Mom said…" She noticed the contents of the box. She pulled out a joint.

"Ooh! I'm telling mom you're selling cigarettes!"

Ed grabbed onto Sarah's shirt.

"Don't tell mom Sarah!"

Eddy jumped up and shoved Sarah to the ground. He snatched the joint from her.

"It's not a cigarette, idiot! It's weed."

Sarah looked at Eddy curiously.

"Weed, huh?" She smiled. "I'll keep my mouth shut if you give me one for free!"

Eddy jumped back.

"FREE? No way, half-pint!"

Sarah grabbed Eddy by the upper lip and smashed him into the wagon. She grabbed the joint he was holding and walked away.

"Nice doing business with you, boys!"

Double D helped Eddy up.

"Well, at least she's not going to tell on us."

Eddy glared at Double D.

"You're worried about her telling on us when we're out of 50 cents? **HAVE I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?**"

Eddy right away put Ed to work picking up the joints. Ed did so with glee, mumbling the lyrics to the rap, _"Ain't Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang".  
_

* * *

They continued selling until they were all sold out.

"Man, we made 20 bucks!" Eddy cheered.

Double D sighed.

"We could have made 300 bucks if you had any business sense."

"Shut up." Eddy hissed. "Acting like you're an expert on selling pot..."

It was late when they got home. They planned on spending their money on jawbreakers first thing in the morning.

* * *

Rolf sat in his house with his goat, Victor. He was getting ready to smoke a joint the Eds had sold him. He held one up to show Victor.

"Gaze upon it, Victor! The nincompoop Ed-boys have done something good for once, yes? Let us celebrate, no? Yes!"

Rolf lit up the joint. He coughed violently and quickly pulled it away from his mouth.

"What the-? This is not tweed! This is harsher then the fumes from Mama's foot sweat! ROLF HAS BEEN BAMBOOZLED! Those scheme-pulling Ed-boys will pay for cheating the son of a shepherd!"

* * *

The Eds woke up the next morning and met outside of Eddy's house. They were about to leave when they found themselves surrounded by the neighborhood kids, who looked mad.

"We want our money back, Eddy!" Naz shouted.

"Yeah!" Johnny added. "Plank wants _his_ money back too!"

All the other kids began shouting and complaining. Double D turned to Eddy.

"Eddy...What are they talking about?" He whispered from the corner of his mouth.

Eddy shrugged innocently. Rolf stepped forward.

"You think you could fool Rolf with your Rasta-tweed, Ed-boys?"

"Huh?" Eddy gasped out.

"You dorks sold us horse manure!" Kevin spat out.

"We're lucky Rolf told us before we started smoking it!" Sarah added.

Double D glared at Eddy. Eddy laughed nervously.

"What? It looked like weed! It had me fooled, too! Honest!"

"What should we do to 'em, Rolf?" Kevin asked, cracking his knuckles.

Rolf smirked.

"Oh, Rolf knows what to do…"

* * *

Ed, Edd, and Eddy were tied up in the back alley. Their eyes were red, their throats were sore, and their mouth were dry and tasted just terrible. On one side of them was a pile of joints; on the other, a pile of scorched roaches.

"I think Eddy's' ready for another one!" Johnny laughed.

Kevin popped a joint into Eddy's mouth while Johnny lit it up.

"Eddy, when are they gonna stop!" Double D choked, tears in his eyes.

"When we smoke every manure-filled joint we sold." Eddy coughed.

"Give me another!" Ed begged. He puffed away on it, completely content with smoking horse shit. He sang the whole time. _"Rollin' down the street smokin' Indo!"  
_

* * *

_**The End**_


End file.
